Top 10 Things I Learned at BlogHer. Okay, top 11.

I just returned home from BlogHer '14. This was my second BlogHer conference, and although nothing can compare to your first BlogHer, I still learned quite a lot. Here are my top takeaways from BlogHer '14.

1. It is okay not to want to "monetize" my blog or promote brands, unless I'm promoting my book.

2. It is time for me to start my book.

3. There are really interesting changes happening in the publishing world and when I do finally get that book finished there are several ways to consider publishing that. I plan to write a post on that soon.

4. Twitter is still relevant. Especially if you are trying to find your friends at a blogging conference.

5. My blogging/Facebook/Twitter friends are also fantastic people in real life.

6. Some conversations are better had in person.

7. There is power in storytelling.

8. Kara Swisher is really smart and funny. So is Arianna Huffington.

9. I really need to get one of those portable charging devices. I spent a good amount of time sitting in the hallway with my phone plugged in, getting my power fix. This one from MyCharge seemed to be a pretty good one.

10. Jeff is a really great dad and husband who enables me to go to blogging conferences and come and go as I please for three days while he watches the kids, takes care of bedtime, meals, and swimming lessons. He didn't complain about it once. I know I would if he left for the better part of 3 days.

11. Although I definitely want to keep blogging, it is time for me to evolve this blog. I am not giving up on it, but I will be making changes. It could be a while, and I plan to do it slowly and carefully. Now I have to figure out what those changes should be. Feel free to make suggestions.

I met so many friends, new and old, but I want to give a special shout-out to these writers and friends who are as wonderful in real life as they are on their blogs: 

Adrienne from No Points for Style
Jill from Yeah. Good Times (and a Voices of the Year 2013 winner!)
Lexi, formerly of Mostly True Stuff, but who will be announcing a new blog soon
Kristin from Running to be Still. I am still figuring out how I can keep her from leaving the state.

And a new friend, Jen from Born Just Right who is just all sorts of awesome. And I don't use that word lightly.

New Year, New Direction

It is no surprise to my regular readers, if I still have any, that I haven't been blogging on a regular basis. I'm not going to make excuses—I just haven't made time for it. And though I know my writing seems effortless (yes, that was sarcasm), it usually takes me an hour or two, sometimes more, to write a decent post.

But I don't want to abandon the blog. So I'm changing focus a little. Instead of writing longer pieces, I'm just going to share shorter thoughts or snippets from our days. I'll still be mostly focusing on Moe and our interactions, but I'm working now, so sometimes it will be about that. And of course Jeff and Jelly will make their appearances too. Jelly has been amazing lately, so funny and cute, and I don't want to forget any of it. I've also been looking for a place to write some of my own childhood memories, so maybe those will show up here as well.

Moe has had a rough couple of weeks. Even though his schedule wasn't affected too much by the holidays, Jeff, Jelly and I have certainly been around more. We have a new nanny, and friends came over for New Year's eve, and all of this led to a dysregulated little boy and lots of hair pulling, scratching, and even more upsetting, some self injurious behaviors (SIBs) that we've thankfully not had too many of in the past.

But yesterday Moe was jumping on his bed. I went over and took his hands and we stood about eye level with each other. I leaned in and gave him a kiss. He was so happy, he asked for another ("ma ma" which could be "more" or could be "mommy") and then actually puckered up (as best he can—it varies between duck lips and a smile) and kissed back. As you might guess, I could have done this all day, but he only did it twice, then went back to jumping.

Hope you all had a great holiday season, or at least got through it the best you could Here's to finding joy in moments small and large this year.

Bully: I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

News Flash: There's a lot of drama on the Internet.

Chances are you've seen it somewhere. Maybe you commented on a friend's Facebook page about gun control, or Planned Parenthood or healthcare, only to find yourself the subject of insults or disproportionate rage. Maybe you were called "socialist!" because you supported Obama. Or you didn't breastfeed long enough, or dared to vaccinate your kid, or let him cry it out to sleep. If you were brave, you tried to defend yourself. If you were smart, you remembered that these people don't know you, laughed it off, and moved on.

It should be no surprise, then, that similar drama happens in the autism blogging sphere. Most people are blissfully unaware of this drama and I consider that to be a Good Thing. I try to keep it out of my blog because honestly, my mom or aunt or friend from summer camp doesn't care about that crap - they just want to know how Moe is doing. When I try to explain it to my husband it sounds like we're all a bunch of junior high school kids. And I do suppose we behave that way sometimes.

But we parents of kids with special needs (creatures of behavior that we humans are) have been conditioned to fight. We get defensive. Every day, out there, we fight for our kids' education, transportation to school and basic safety. We defend them to other parents who don't understand why our children are "misbehaving." We try to educate why it isn't okay to call our kids, or anyone, "retarded." We have to speak out all the time, for our children's very lives are at stake.

And we're writers too - not traditionally known as the most emotionally stable of populations.

So when we are insulted, sometimes unfairly and sometimes quite fairly, it is understandable why we are quick to react. And when those insults come from autistic adults, sometimes referred to as self-advocates, those insults cut a little deeper.

Autistic people have also learned to fight. I cannot speak for any autistic person of any age (except my own son when I need to). But some of the people I've encountered have suffered abuse by parents, teachers or other caregivers. Others were not abused but spend their whole lives fighting against the barrage of sensory and social demands of the world around them just to go about their day. Adults especially, may feel written off, left out of the conversation by everyone. And then we parents, who should be the closest of allies but who have become so used to speaking for our own children, forget that most autistics are people who can speak for themselves, thankyouverymuch.

I'd like to put it out there that I am a really nice person. I get along with people. In my job, I was that person who could walk the line between engineers and marketing people (the internet wars have nothing on that). I give people the benefit of the doubt.

I also like a good argument, and am not one to shy away from a debate. And so, sometimes, when I've been on the internet, I've made a "helpful" comment or two. And been slammed down pretty hard. One particular incident left me in tears. But I blog. I comment on blogs. I engage in facebook dialogue. It happens.

What's that saying? You walk around the dog park long enough, you're going to step in some shit. (That's not a saying? Well it should be...copyright 2013, Anybody Want A Peanut).

But recently, there has been a lot of nastiness. I and many of my friends have been called names. They've been called bullies (and worse). And that bothers me. Because bullying is serious. And while I can't say I've always behaved perfectly when tempers are flaring, I can say that I do my best not to make it personal. And, not surprisingly, some of the worst behavior - the actual bullying - is coming from those doing the worst of the name calling.

What does it mean to be a bully?

It does not mean:

• Engaging in conversations in public forums.
• Disagreeing in those conversations, even several times.
• Being "unfair," no matter how infuriating. I engaged in a heated discussion in which I used someone's words back at them. I got my hand slapped; the other person didn't. It wasn't fair, I didn't like it, but it wasn't bullying. (I told you it's like junior high. But Mooom...she said a bad word tooooo.)
• Saying something stupid or even inappropriate. You may deserve to be told that what you said was stupid and inappropriate but sometimes the way things sound in our heads come out all wrong on virtual paper.

It does mean:

• Continuing to say inappropriate things over and over, even though you've been told those things are inappropriate. (On someone else's page. On your page, say whatever stupid crap you want as long as you're not harassing anyone.)
• Sending private messages or emails with words like "you and your horrible troll friends."
• Collaborating with others to systematically call out and defame individuals simply because you don't like who they are friends with.
• Bringing private conversations into public forums or threatening to do so.

When you are reading a facebook page or a blog, and someone call out someone else, don't just jump on the bandwagon. It is fine to support your friends, but remember that you are only hearing one side of the story. Important pieces may be missing, since the owner of a blog or FB page can remove comments at will. (Also, don't like how someone is behaving on your page? Block and move on.) We all want to make ourselves look our best and have our delicate egos stroked. But don't engage in name calling just because your friends do. (Ugh. I can't believe I'm almost 40 and had to write that.)

And finally, a note to myself: if there is a facebook thread that is pissing you off, or a blog post that you disagree with, you don't have to respond. Sometimes, it is best to close the computer and walk away. Or make some pumpkin muffins, which is what I'm going to do now.

As always, respectful disagreement and helpful additions are welcome in the comments, but I will moderate comments I deem are inappropriate.

My Excuse

I have so much to blog about but just have not been able to. Some things, like the details of our latest IEP, I can't write about now. Other things, I would love to write about, but the kids really do require constant attention. Here's a snippet from today.

1. Jelly is momentarily occupied watching TV.
2. I hear a noise from Moe's room. He's on top of his bed, messing with the blinds. He's already broken one of the strings so he really can't be up there. Oh, and he could fall. I get him down.
3. Moe runs from the room. I start to make dinner which will take all of 5 minutes because I'm just reheating leftovers. Moe starts asking (pointing to the gate) to come in the kitchen. I notice he has a dirty diaper.
4. I bring him to his room to change him. He's wild, tired, and hungry and starts grabbing and kicking me. I know he's trying to tell me he wants to be eating, but I'm so flippin' tired of being kicked every time I change a diaper.
5. I get through it, and nearly trip over the dog who insists on being in the way whenever there is any commotion. I make it back to the kitchen.
6. Plate the quiche and and the chips I didn't eat at lunch. (Surely, I will lose at least a pound for that, right?) The chips entice Jelly to come to the table. I go look for Moe.
7. He is once again on top of his bed. I get him down. On the way back to the dinner table, I notice Jelly's shutters are open, and the valance is messed up. I see Moe has somehow gotten the finial off. I suspect he's been working on that for days. I pick it up and put it "someplace safe" for when I can get a step stool or Jeff gets home. It's probably already lost.
8. Safely at dinner, I get exactly 23 seconds before Jelly pushes herself back from the table. She gets down to retrieve her new Dora bathing suit which she has been carrying around all day. She climbed back up and asks to be pushed back in. I get up, and push her in. "Jelly," I tell her, "don't get down again."
9. She pushes herself back from the table. I push her back in. Repeat 1,000 times.
10. "Jelly, no more chips if you push yourself back again." It works!
11. Moe gets down from dinner table. I make him sign "all done." I feel like I've done my job.
12. I hear Moe on top of the bed tent. I trip over the dog. I get Moe down from his bed.
13. He comes back. I slice an apple so we can work on using a picture card to request more.
14. He doesn't want any apple.
15. Jelly starts asking for tape. I tell her no. She asks. I tell her no. She asks. I tell her no. Sheasksitellhernosheasksitellhernosheasksitellherno. She wants tape to cover a staple sized hole in the baby gate. I tell her she can have one piece of tape if she stops asking. She is quiet, but I can tell it is really hard. It is worth it for the 30 seconds of silence.
16. I trip over the dog looking for the tape. I give a piece to Jelly.
17. Moe is spinning wildly in his swing. I decide he needs a bath. I trip over the dog.
18. Jelly hits me while Moe is in the bath and I am writing this. She gets a time out, which involves taking away the Dora bathing suit.
19. I think I hear Jeff pulling into the garage. There is only one question left. Beer or wine?

Writing Our Story

Today I'm over at Hopeful Parents, where I contribute on the 14th of every month. Come over and read about how writing a novel has made it so much harder to keep on blogging!

And if you feel so inclined, please leave a comment over there!

Endings and Beginnings

I had about an hour and a half of time to myself today. With both kids in school two mornings a week, I haven't quite figured out how to plan my free time. I have a to-do list, of course, but for various reasons, can't get them done. The place where I get my hair cut doesn't open early enough for me to fit in a visit before I pick up Jelly. The oral surgeon (ugh) only does consultations in the afternoons. I "forgot" to bring my gym bag. You get the idea.

The number one item on my list, however, is always "write new blog post." So today I went to my favorite writing spot, a local coffee house with free WiFi, ample power outlets, and a college town feel that makes me feel like a real writer.

But I'm not actually in a college town. So when I walked in today, I found a few of the usual suspects along with many, many new moms and their babies. I sat down anyway, tried to write a little, but found myself distracted. It wasn't the noise; lord knows I can write through almost anything. I was distracted by the memories of my own first mom's group meetings four years ago, Moe asleep in his car seat, me still learning how to hold a latte in one hand a push a stroller with the other.

How can it possibly be four years ago that I was one of them? How is it that so much and so little time has passed? Four years goes by in a heartbeat, and yet in this particular four years, my world has changed completely. Part of the change was just having kids, that life-changing jump from "me" to "mommy." But in the early days, Moe was just like all of those other babies. And I was just like all of those other moms.

What is even harder to believe is that we have now had as much time with Moe since his autism diagnosis as we did before it. And every day, that divide between before and after, between me and those new moms, grows bigger. My worldview has shifted. I am deeply and fundamentally changed, both stronger and more fragile, sometimes sadder, but often more hopeful than ever before.

They say one ending starts another beginning. Moe's diagnosis put him on a new path, ending his "normal childhood" and filling his days with early intervention and special education. But it also gave us answers and started us on a path toward healing. The diagnosis put me on new path too. I am a special needs parent. I am a blogger. I am a member of a new community of parents, helping each other out one day at a time.

And I've gotten really good at juggling a latte in one hand a stroller in the other.

This post inspired by the prompt "Where did it all begin?" at Kick in the Blog. 

BlogHer Wrap Up (Part One)

As most of you know, I was in San Diego last weekend, attending the BlogHer conference. It was my second blogging conference, but this one was much bigger. Over 3,600 people (primarily women) attended. It was incredibly well-run and organized. Those BlogHer people work hard.

The highlight of the conference was the Special Needs Mini-Conference (SNMC), and deserves a post all of its own. We will be doing a link-up on Support for Special Needs on Monday, so I'll save that post for then.

Call Me @wantapeanut

The conference environment is strange. You introduce yourself with your twitter handle. Popular bloggers are minor celebrities in this world, and you feel like you know them even though, of course, you only know what they've chosen to tell you on their blogs. If you recognize your favorite blogger, a difficult task given that the most you've probably ever seen of her is a very small, square, avatar, you might introduce yourself. Most of these bloggers are really nice and happy to have you tell them you appreciate their words.

There are some bloggers that you may have gotten to know a little better, either through commenting on each others' blogs or on twitter. I can't tell you how many of these conversations started off with "you're much shorter/taller than you seem in your picture." That is, of course, if you manage to find those bloggers, which happens someone randomly. Twitter, it turns out, is not a great way to find people in real-time, and if you don't have a phone number, you'll end up looking for someone sitting "at a table between the buffet and the coffee." Only they were there twenty minutes ago and aren't there now.

Sorry, I don't do product reviews

There is a hug expo hall where brands courting mommy bloggers (and vice versa) give away "swag." There is good stuff there and you could sign up for manicures and fake eyelashes. I didn't take much, though I did feel free to eat Dove ice cream at their booth. Yes, it was delicious (try the peanut butter).

The conference seems to have become about how to make money off your blog. I get it: people spend a lot of time blogging, and want to be compensated. We value the opinions of the bloggers we've come to know, and marketing research has shown that people trust the opinions of other bloggers more than many other sources. I wouldn't mind working for one of those companies running social media campaigns. But I don't plan to make money off my own blog in this way. (Book deals are welcome.)

For the same reason, I wasn't as interested in many of the sessions. Many people didn't even go to the sessions, preferring to explore the expo hall or attend sponsored private sessions and parties that surround the conference. These private sessions provide great opportunities to meet and talk in smaller groups, but also seem to scatter the conference a bit.

It's about the stories

The reason I blog, and the reason I went to the conference (outside of the SNMC) was to meet people and hear their stories. By far, my favorite times were those that featured great writing, including the Voices of the Year community keynote, and the Listen to Your Mother open-mic night. They stories filled me with tears and incredible laughter.

Wordless Wednesday: Our Next Great Blogger?

The Best Birthday Present Ever

This is my birthday week and I couldn't be more excited about my gift. No, I'm not talking about the new iPad which was announced on my birthday and which will, I hope, soon be mine. I'm talking about a shiny new piece of blog bling I get to display:

That's right, today I have a piece syndicated on BlogHer! Winning! It is called Unspoken But True. Even if you've read this piece before here, I'd appreciate it if you'd visit BlogHer and leave a comment over there. I'm hoping to be invited back again.

If you're visiting me for the first time, I'm so happy you're here. I write primarily about raising Moe, my three year old son with autism. You can learn about me and my family by clicking on the Peanut Gallery link in the header.

Here are some of my favorite posts from the last few months. Enjoy them, and I hope you'll visit again soon.

Dreams of a Parallel Universe: One of my favorites ever, it holds a little surprise.

Remember Only This: A post inspired by a Maya Angelou quote.

Cold Hands, Warm Heart: My short and sweet approach to Moe's autism.

Forever Linked: Post inspired by events that changed me, and the world, forever.

No More Wishes: Why I've given up wishing, but found hope instead.

My Year In Review

A few days ago I wrote How Did We Do?, a summary of some of this year's posts about issues we faced with Moe and an update on where we are with them. This blog is, of course, about Moe and has been a useful tool for tracking his progress. But this blog is also about me and therefore tracks my progress as well.

I've seen a number of "year in review" blog posts over the past few days, and here is my effort at the same. In many ways, this year was about acceptance: of Moe's diagnosis, of my role as a parent to a special needs child, and as a member of the autism and special needs community. Much of this community is comprised of people I've never met, but whose words guide me forward every day. I am excited to have a post featured today at The Thinking Person's Guide to Autism. It is one of my favorite pieces. I can't say that all of my writing lives up to that standard, but here are some of the posts of which I am especially proud. (If you only have time to read one, start with October. But I hope you'll return for more.)

In January I wrote about finding a positive image for our kids in Ain't Misbehaving
March brought reflections on a birthday, in Not Quite Pushing 40
April featured: World Autism Awareness Day, as well as a memory of my brother in Solving The Puzzle.
I also wrote a letter to my daughter on her first birthday, in Happy Birthday, Baby Girl
In May, I wrote about the power of The Necklace
In July I discovered The Fellowship of Suffering
One August day, I met The Girl in the Shoe Store. I also wrote about Pictures and Memories over at Hopeful Parents.
In September, I remembered life Before and After Autism, and describe my unspoken connection with Moe in We Are Each Other.
In October, I decided I wanted No More Wishes.
And in December, I was inspired by a friend's observations in Cold Hands, Warm Heart.

Thank you all for reading, commenting, and sharing your own words and experiences.

You can follow me on Twitter @wantapeanut.

And the nominees are...

Yesterday, I received a surprise comment on my blog. Mamafog at Out of the Fog nominated me for the Stylish Blogger award. I was super excited because I hadn't heard from mamafog before and I had no idea she thought I was a) stylish or b) worthy of an award. Like me, she has a 3 year old, diagnosed around age 2, so we're right around the same place on our autism trek. I hope you'll all pay her a visit.
As part of accepting this award I have to tell you 7 things about myself that you wouldn't otherwise know. If you know me in real life, you may know some of these, but since a lot of you only know me from this blog, I'll include them anyway.

1. I love weddings. Not the everlasting love, 'til death, mushy parts, but the dress, cake, flowers, decor, invitations, signature cocktails part. I would love to be a wedding planner. I would only do very hip, stylish weddings and would someday get my own show on HGTV.
2. I hate mayonnaise, Cheryl Crow, and the word "moist."
3. My favorite band of all time is Depeche Mode. I've seen them in concert at least 10 times, but probably more.
4. I was in some commercials when I was a kid. The best one was for Strawberry Shortcake dolls. I was so excited to find one of them on YouTube! I'm the girl on the left.
5. My favorite movie is The Princess Bride, my favorite book is A Prayer for Owen Meany, and my favorite authors are Banana Yoshimoto and Jose Saramago.
6. My friend once threw me a surprise party at the Little Caesar's inside the Super K-mart outside of New Haven CT. He set up a scavenger hunt that included things like "something in the automotive aisle that begins with the letter M." I was timed and had to run around the store to retrieve the items.
7. I studied martial arts for many years. Most of that time was spent on Chen style tai chi. I can kick your ass very slowly.

This is one of those pay-it-forward type awards, where I will now nominate three other blogs to get the award. There's no real prize, just the warm fuzzy feeling you get knowing that someone liked your work enough to recognize you, and a cool button to put on your blog. Though I suppose there's nothing stopping you from just copying the button and adding it to your blog anyway. But we'll know. And god is watching.

Before I nominate, I want to say that you should not feel any pressure to carry this on. There will be no chain-letter type punishment if you don't. However, if you want to accept and play along, that's great too.

1.  I'm Just That Way and That's Just Me - Because Little Bird is such a beautiful little girl, and her mama is awesome too.
2. Everybody's Boy - One of the first autism blogs I found with great writing and heartfelt content. If you aren't reading this blog, you should be.
3. Big Daddy Autism - Nothing screams style like a Big Daddy T with the sleeves cut off. Add your blog's button, and you'll be the talk of your next blog conference!

Check out this Silicon Valley Mama

As you might know, I started writing for Silicon Valley Moms Blog just a few short months before the site, and its many sister sites around the country, shut down. (I believe these events were unrelated.) I really enjoyed writing for them, and am happy to report that I am now going to be writing for a new site, Silicon Valley Mamas. My first post, All Successful Meetings End With Doughnuts, went up today.

Head over and check it out!

A little pitchy today, Dawg

Because I clearly don’t have enough going on in my life right now, I decided to take on yet another challenge. This one is about this blog and is called 31 Days to Build a Better Blog. I’m doing this as a part of a community called SITS Girls. Each day, we have a new challenge to improve our blog. On the days that it seems relevant, I’ll write about our task for the day.
Task #1: Write your elevator pitch.
An elevator pitch is commonly used in business as a way to quickly convey your company’s purpose. If you ran into your ideal investor in an elevator, what would you say about your company to get her interested in you? You can’t tell her everything she needs to know, but you must tell her enough to make her want to learn more.
From a blog perspective, having an elevator pitch can help you write your tag line, your about page and pitch to potential promoters, whether they are other bloggers, media sources or advertisers. It is also a way to make sure your blog stays on target. In other words, if you write a food blog, your readers probably don’t care about your kid’s swimming lesson unless you are talking about the snacks you gave them after.
I’ve never intended to use this blog as a way to make money. Initially, it was intended to be simply a way to tell my friends and family about Moe’s progress without having to answer the same questions over and over. It quickly became more than that. It is a safe place for me to express my feelings, a process that has been proven to be quite therapeutic. It allows me to connect with other parents of special needs kids, mostly by inspiring me to find other bloggers going through similar experiences. I hope to share whatever information I pick up from my own experiences, as well as from those who have already been there.
Here is what I came up with:

Anybody Want A Peanut? is a portrait of my life raising a preschooler on the autism spectrum, including day to day challenges, navigating early intervention and the school system, and all of the feelings, from the heartbreaking to the hilarious, that go along with it.

What do you think, dear readers? Does that accurately reflect what this blog means to you?

Dear Diary

Nobody reads this blog but me. I'm reluctant to promote it, even to close friends and family, until it has had a chance to take shape. I need to find my voice. Plus, I want to make it pretty, add the right links, tag everything correctly, and do all the things that make a good blog.

I'm not sure what it would be like to actually have any followers. I might be more likely to update on a regular basis. It would be nice for people to see what is going on with me, and especially with Moe, without having to tell the story over and over. I might be able to get more involved in the community of bloggers out there, especially women and "mommy bloggers." I know I haven't even scratched the surface of who is out there.

When I was in high school, I kept a diary. I haven't looked at those pages in years, though I'm sure they are still at my parent's house. I'm sure I would find some of the passages hilarious now: the overdramatic feelings of a teenager. But at the time, of course, they were real, and I could be truly honest about them because no one was looking. This is, of course, the challenge with a blog. Even though I will be writing this in my own space, like a diary, it is out there for anyone to see. Will I feel like I have to temper my feelings because they are in the public eye (even if that "public" is just a few close friends and family)? Will I be afraid of the words coming out wrong and offending someone? Will I lose the sanctuary that this blog is becoming for me?