Travels with Jelly

I just got back from a weekend away. My beautiful cousin Anna was getting married. I knew it would be difficult for us to travel with Moe, but I really wanted to go. I don't get to see my extended family often, but I love my cousins. I have so many happy childhood memories playing with them, and I want to give my kids the opportunity to know their cousins.

So we decided to make it a girls weekend. 

Jelly and I traveled together to San Diego. She did great. She was such a trooper going from car to shuttle bus and waiting in long security lines. She loved the airplane ride and seeing her cousins and especially Grandma and Grandpa. Jelly even had a special role in the wedding as ring bearer.

It wasn't easy. Jelly was still recovering from a bad cold, and woke up coughing quite a bit. She didn't sleep well in the hotel, and spent much of Sunday trying to figure out how to get a nap. We spent a couple hours with three (soon to be four!) of my favorite people, a good friend who I've known since I was 12 years old, her husband and son. The plan was for Jelly to play with them, show off all her cuteness and sass, before we headed back to the airport. The poor girl was so tired she fell asleep on the booth at the restaurant.

There was a lot of crying.

We still had a great time. And despite the lack of sleep, and despite Jelly's cold, I was remarkably unstressed. I had more patience for her never ending chatter, the constant "whywhywhy" questions that usually drive me over the edge. I had fun with my girl.

Maybe it was because I just had one child to watch. Maybe it was because we were away from the everyday responsibilities of home, or because I had Grandma and Grandpa and lots of aunts and uncles and cousins (thanks Sami and Stella!) to help make sure my girl was having so much fun.

But I can't deny that it was also because Moe wasn't there. 

On the one hand, having a child with challenging behaviors has helped me be more relaxed about other things. Things from this weekend with Jelly that would probably have put other parents over the edge, were nothing to me. She puked all over the sheets and we had to have housekeeping change the bed at 10pm? It's fine. She woke up at 2am on Sunday morning, and never fell back asleep? I survive on very little sleep most days. This trip was easy.

But it also made me realize how much it takes out of me to be Moe's mom. I love that boy with all my heart, but fresh scratches on my arm remind me how tense things can be at home. The clenched teeth and furrowed brow and constant vigilance are back. And while I'm enjoying a few extra snuggles from Moe today, I am also deep into the "what could have been" thinking that I try so hard to avoid.

Still, I am thankful for the break, grateful for my husband who encouraged me to take Jelly so we could get away and introduce her to the family. I'm looking forward to the day when we can bring Moe too. 

A day at the beach

This past weekend, we visited some friends who have been renting a house in Capitola, a great beach town near Santa Cruz, CA. It is an easy drive there, and the beach is such a fun place for kids.

Moe loves the water. Splashing in the water table in the backyard is one of his favorite activities. He is happy as can be in a swimming pool and bath time is such a fun activity that we’ve been trying to correlate whether taking a bath before bed actually makes sleeping harder for Moe. So it was no surprise that he absolutely loved the ocean.

When we got to the beach, Moe immediately took off running. There was so much sand and space! But when he finally saw the ocean, he knew where he wanted to be and made a break for it. He absolutely loved splashing in the water. Unfortunately, he has no sense of danger at all so one of us (usually Jeff) had to be by his side every second. As Jeff put it, if given the  chance Moe would just run straight into the water and keep on running until he drowned.

Capitola is cloudy in the mornings and it was only about 60 degrees out. When we finally dragged Moe out of the water for a snack, he was shivering, trying to wrap the towel around himself as tight as possible. We got him dressed and warm, but as soon as snack was done, he wanted right back in the water. We spent the rest of the day chasing him, making sure he didn’t get soaked. He only sat still when he was eating or when we buried him in the sand (which he quite enjoyed). This seemed, at first, like a brilliant plan, but didn’t keep him still for very long.

While Jeff was chasing Moe, Jelly was digging in the sand and just looking completely adorable. She played ball with Grandma and Grandpa, noticed all of the birds, and generally got very, very sandy.

 

As I mentioned in my last post, going anywhere with Moe has its challenges. I want to take him places, not just because I want him with us, but also because I think it is important for Moe to learn about the world. He needs to see how other kids play and act, and learn what is expected of him even at the beach, a place where it would seem very little is expected of you. Overall, it was not the most relaxing day on the beach, nor did I expect it to be. Moe deserves a chance to have his own kind of fun, and if this isn’t pure joy, I don’t know what is. What more could a mother want to give to her child? 

Why it’s hard

Sometimes I wonder if being Moe’s mom isn’t quite as hard as I make it out to be. Aren’t all three year olds are challenging creatures? Moe can’t talk, but he can jump and run and laugh and what else does he really need to do right now? But invariably, something will remind me that Moe isn’t just any three year old. He is delayed, difficult, “special.” As he gets older, it becomes more obvious, and, over a year into this, it still feels like a slap across the face every time.

Two weeks ago, we were invited to two parties on the same day. The first was a small birthday party for a three year old girl. It was just a backyard playdate, with a kiddie pool. Most of the parents could sit and chat, while keeping an eye on their little ones to make sure they were safe and playing nicely together. Moe loves water, so the pool was great fun for him. He’d play in the water for a while, but then he would get out and run the perimeter of the yard, including right through the rose bushes or along the side of the house where we couldn’t see him. By the time we left the party, he was scratched up from rose thorns, and we were worn out.

Off we went to party #2, a large going away party for friends. After averting Moe from grabbing a huge chunk of cake from the table, we directed him to the bounce house. He’s only recently figured out how to jump but now that he can, he loves it. He climbed right in and had a great time. Jeff and I could actually talk to some people while we kept one eye on him. It was how we imagined “normal” parents are at parties. That lasted about 15 minutes. Then Moe noticed the slide on the side of the bounce house. He wanted to climb up the slide part, rather than the stairs. But of course other kids wanted to come down, and Moe has no sense of danger or of being in the way. So we were back to having to be on top of him, redirecting him away from the slide over and over again. After we leave a party, I’m always left wondering why we bothered to go.

Even at home, things have gotten challenging. Moe is getting taller and stronger, able to climb and generally get into more trouble. We try to keep the house safe for him but he seems to always find something: splashing in the fish tank, turning on the bathroom sink if the door is left unlocked, or throwing the makeup out of my drawers. Today he took a glass of water off the kitchen table and threw it on the floor. In the back yard, he’s started eating mud – only occasionally but enough that we have to watch him vigilantly. When Moe is awake, there is very little down time and it is exhausting. I’m tired of having to tell him no all the time.

I want to take Moe places, but at the risk of sounding completely selfish, it just isn’t fun going out anymore. We do it so he can have some fun and learn socially acceptable behavior, and so we don’t lose all of our friends. But wherever we are, we are all about him. At home, I know that it is best to keep Moe engaged in safe, appropriate activities. But finding those activities is tough, especially with a 15 month old who does not like to share the spotlight.

Autism affects the whole family in so many ways I never could have predicted. Life is hard right now, and it is taking its toll on all of us.

We love our moms!

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to be a mom, how it has changed me, and how it hasn't. But instead of spending time today discussing my own journey through motherhood, I thought I would just say thank you to the wonderful mothers - now grandmothers - in my life. They have both been through a lot as moms and deserve great big Internet sized hugs today. (And flowers. And jewelry. And I should probably send something extra to make up for the teenage years.)

We love you!

 

Also, a big shout-out to all my mommy friends and fellow mommy bloggers out there. You are inspirations.

Happy Merry Chrismukkah Day

We're not really a Christmas kind of family. I celebrate Chanukkah. And today just happens to be Jeff's birthday.
We wonder what it is going to be like for the kids believing that all the world's children wake up early on Christmas morning to celebrate Daddy's birthday.
So what does a half-Jewish, half-Christmas-birthday family do on Christmas?
We got up early and colored Daddy's card.

We baked a Key Lime Cake. Oh my god this was amazing. I sprinkled some lime zest on the top, giving this a much more Christmas-like feel than I had intended.

We played outside. It was a gorgeous day.

We tried some new foods.

This did not go over so well. But we recovered and Jelly Belly gave us a message of hope for the world as only beautiful babies can.

We put the kids to bed and rounded out the evening with a delicious pea and mushroom risotto and a bottle of Two Mile Sangiovese.
Happy birthday, Daddy. We love you!