Always Moe

I haven't been writing much these days. I want to. I want to keep a record of everything that has been happening. We're chugging away with getting Moe a new placement for next year. Lawyers are involved. Moe's ABA program has started. We've added more speech and OT for the summer.

But every night, when I sit down to write about it, I can't. Sometimes there seems to be too much to say. I cannot sum up. Other times, I am so exhausted I can barely keep a thought in my head, let alone write a coherent sentence.

But often, when I sit down to write, I have one crystal clear thought.

How are we supposed to keep doing this?

Moe, despite the language gain that I wrote about, continues to be aggressive, impulsive, and often completely out of control wild. It is beyond frustrating. Moe didn't have any ABA this afternoon, and in the course of a couple of hourse he broke a clock, took his diaper off several times, pooped in his swing, grabbed the dog, and swiped my glasses off at least three times. We had some fun water play outside, but he also spent a lot of time out there climbing the air conditioner and pulling handfuls of dirt out of my plants.


In other words, the same things he does every day.


I don't know how to teach him that these things are not okay. Time outs don't work. Redirecting doesn't work. I try to keep him engaged and he scratches or tries to bite me. Nothing seems to work to curb the behaviors for more than a few minutes. I don't like to yell at him but sometimes it seems it is all I can do. It doesn't help anyway.

I was so over his behavior that around 3:30 I put both kids in the car and just drove around for a while. Moe seemed relaxed and Jelly fell asleep. It was the only break I had all day.

I should take it day by day. But the voice I hear just keeps asking "how much longer is it going to be like this?"

I can deal with different. I can deal with delayed. We used to talk about getting Moe "back on track." No more. This kid is so far off track that we don't even know where the rails are anymore. That's okay.

But the aggression. Impulsiveness. Lack of sleep. Breaking things. Ripping books. Grabbing at anything in sight. Always afraid the next time is going to be the time Berkeley has enough and bites Moe. Always on alert. Always looking for triggers. Always interrupting Jelly to check on Moe.

Always Moe.

Moe Finds His Voice

Moe has a really cute voice. Soft and breathy, it is the sound of the sweet boy that he is. But for a long time, I rarely heard that voice. Moe communicated in whines and cries. He'd shriek and make repetitive sounds for no one's benefit but his own. He sometimes sang, but even that had become less frequent over the past year.

That harsher voice sounded like the Moe we had been living with: aggressive, moody, out of control. I forgot the other voice--the other boy--existed.

And then, a little over a week ago, I was eating chips and he really wanted one. Moe had been getting better with physical imitation and signing, so we had been working with him on signing "I want" then pointing to a desired item, rather than just whining and grabbing. But for some reason, I thought back to my Pivotal Response Treatment (PRT) training. I held the chip up and said "chip?" Moe pointed. He grabbed and signed every sign he knew. I held his hands down and said "chip?"

And then Moe said "p."

It was just a "p" sound, but it was clearly an attempt at vocalizing his need. They were really good lime tortilla chips and we did this over and over and over. Again and again, Moe tried to say "chip."

After that, something happened. Moe is now requesting things with his voice very consistently. He still signs sometimes, and his behaviorists always want him to give eye contact even if he speaks, but he will almost always go to his voice first. He consistently says "up," "apple" and "phone." We've also gotten "open," "all done," and "more." Sometimes we get the beginning of a word and sometimes the end, and everything else gets some variation on "ba," the sound he makes most easily.

The words are all about Moe's needs and I can't exactly say Moe is talking. These are all approximations. But he is trying. He spontaneously comes to me and taps me to get my attention, and then makes a sound. I understand when Moe wants something and isn't just unhappy. Moe understands when we are trying to get him to say something. He often can't form the word or sound, but he knows what he is supposed to do.


It is a small step but it feels like a barrier has been broken.