July 10, 2012

Always Moe

I haven't been writing much these days. I want to. I want to keep a record of everything that has been happening. We're chugging away with getting Moe a new placement for next year. Lawyers are involved. Moe's ABA program has started. We've added more speech and OT for the summer.

But every night, when I sit down to write about it, I can't. Sometimes there seems to be too much to say. I cannot sum up. Other times, I am so exhausted I can barely keep a thought in my head, let alone write a coherent sentence.

But often, when I sit down to write, I have one crystal clear thought.

How are we supposed to keep doing this?

Moe, despite the language gain that I wrote about, continues to be aggressive, impulsive, and often completely out of control wild. It is beyond frustrating. Moe didn't have any ABA this afternoon, and in the course of a couple of hourse he broke a clock, took his diaper off several times, pooped in his swing, grabbed the dog, and swiped my glasses off at least three times. We had some fun water play outside, but he also spent a lot of time out there climbing the air conditioner and pulling handfuls of dirt out of my plants.

In other words, the same things he does every day.

I don't know how to teach him that these things are not okay. Time outs don't work. Redirecting doesn't work. I try to keep him engaged and he scratches or tries to bite me. Nothing seems to work to curb the behaviors for more than a few minutes. I don't like to yell at him but sometimes it seems it is all I can do. It doesn't help anyway.

I was so over his behavior that around 3:30 I put both kids in the car and just drove around for a while. Moe seemed relaxed and Jelly fell asleep. It was the only break I had all day.

I should take it day by day. But the voice I hear just keeps asking "how much longer is it going to be like this?"

I can deal with different. I can deal with delayed. We used to talk about getting Moe "back on track." No more. This kid is so far off track that we don't even know where the rails are anymore. That's okay.

But the aggression. Impulsiveness. Lack of sleep. Breaking things. Ripping books. Grabbing at anything in sight. Always afraid the next time is going to be the time Berkeley has enough and bites Moe. Always on alert. Always looking for triggers. Always interrupting Jelly to check on Moe.

Always Moe.


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