A Tough Thanksgiving

I've been trying all weekend to put my thoughts together, to find the thankfulness in the days. I have a lot to be thankful for: my house wasn't ravished by a hurricane, we were able to put food on the table without counting the days until our next paycheck, we made a great dinner in a lovely kitchen and we ate together, the four of us plus my parents, who are healthy and able to come visit regularly. I am thankful for all of these things.

But the weekend was tough. Wednesday night both kids were up several times during the night. I went to bed at eleven. Jelly was up at one in the morning, asking me to wipe her runny nose. At three, a picture fell off the wall, scaring the crap out of us and making a loud racket that woke both kids. Moe was up from four to well almost six. He finally fell back asleep but of course Jelly was up and wandered into our room by seven-thirty. The rest of the weekend went much the same way.

We were all sleep deprived and short-tempered, unable to manage Jelly's whining and Moe's behaviors, which escalated quite a bit this weekend. He was about as disregulated as I've ever seen him, thrown off by lack of sleep but also the arrival of grandparents and four days without any therapy sessions. We were fortunate enough to have good weather, and spent quite a bit of time outside so he could run and climb. But when indoors, Moe still wanted to climb all the time. We rescued him several times from the top of the mantle, once from the high shelf at the top of his closet, and once sitting on top of the refrigerator. Even with extensive child-proofing, he requires more and more vigilance and it is exhausting.


This year, we declined dinner at my BFF's house because I thought it would be easier. And so, though our small thanksgiving was lovely, and it was easier, it also felt a little lonely. I don't know if anyone else felt this. Perhaps my emotion was colored by Moe's difficulties, or memories of my brother whose birthday was just three days prior.


Thanksgiving used to be one of my favorite holidays. I have so many memories of eating with aunts and uncles, talking and enjoying so much laughter around the table. We'd often play a game afterward, and always ended with several pies: pumpkin and/or sweet potato, homemade apple, and always chocolate pie, my brother's favorite. When I first had Moe, I imagined these traditions continuing, and his first Thanksgiving was at Grandma and Grandpa's house. I can picture what this could be like now - the kids running off to play after dessert while the adults drink coffee and laugh some more.

I know I am supposed to reset my expectations. I know that it isn't fair to carry my expectations of a perfect holiday, if such a thing exists, to my family now. We are no longer the same people. And I try. I try really hard. I try to enjoy the time together, remind myself that disappointment is only in the comparison, not in the thing itself. But most regular days, I struggle against the feeling that this isn't the life I planned for. The holidays make that so much more apparent.

One. Big. Update.

Hello, blog. I've missed you.
Hello, readers. Anybody still out there?

Rather than write a bunch of posts over the next week catching everybody up on what has been happening over the last few weeks, I'm going to update you all on everything here in one big update. I'll try to be brief, but since my month has been all about words, words and more words, it won't be easy.

I wrote a 50,000 word novel this month. And now I have a pretty crappy novel (but a still, a novel!) and an updated "Winner!" badge over there on the left. The novel is called Usually Sometimes Never.


Novel writing has become such an ingrained part of my days over the last month, that I can no longer guarantee the accuracy of anything I write here. The line between fiction and reality has officially blurred. At least until I find my truth glasses. (Ooh - truth glasses. Now that's something I could put in a novel!)
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Thanksgiving at my BFF's house went better than expected. Moe ate a lot of food, which kept him occupied and let us all eat. Jelly ate only ice cream, but she enjoyed drinking water out of my crystal glass. We still had to follow Moe around the house when we weren't eating, but I guess we Jeff is getting used to that. Also, Jelly pooped on the rug.
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All of Moe's genetic tests came back normal. While that's Good News, it is still somehow unsatisfying.
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The dog threw up in the back of my car yesterday.
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I had a flat tire over the weekend. There was a nail in the tire. This is the second time this has happened. I suspect my neighbor. (Not really, but again, would be a cool character.)
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When I put Jelly in the car after preschool yesterday, she said "no weapons!" I can only assume this was her political commentary on the use of pepper spray by police on Occupy protesters.
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We went to an awesome concert on Sunday called the Kizuna Family Concert. Professional musicians performed classical music for kids with special needs and their families. Moe and Jelly loved it.

Why, yes that is my child. Sitting. Like, in a chair.

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving holiday. It's good to be back.

Weekend Wrap-up

Sunday is finally here and that means school tomorrow. Hooray! I vaguely remember those days when long weekends were treasures and Sunday brought a little bit of dread for the week ahead. I experience the same thing now, only in reverse. I can't wait for Monday and for Moe to be in school.

Moe's vacation started Wednesday, so we decided to try a morning music therapy session at home. Our first two sessions had been after school at our therapist's home studio, about a half hour away. Both ended in meltdowns. This session went really well, with lots of engagement and some good imitation. We're not sure if it was the change in time or place that did the trick, but we're going to continue to do some experimenting with that.

Shortly after the session ended, my parents arrived from L.A. Jelly was so excited to see them. Moe wasn't quite sure what to make of the change and spent much of the day hiding in his room. With the excitement of the grandparents arriving and the beginning of the prep for Thanksgiving dinner, our schedule was a bit off. Moe had a huge meltdown that night in Chevy's and although he calmed down once his beans and tortillas showed up, and I calmed down once my margarita showed up, that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the weekend.

That night, Moe was up for a while in the middle of the night, something he hasn't done for a few weeks now. Thursday was a rough day for him, and he spent the day alternating between meltdowns or hiding in his crib, into which he threw a bunch of books and toys and made a cozy - though isolating - nest for himself. We didn't push him too hard to come out and be with everyone, but his mood put a damper on the day. Fortunately, Jelly relished all the love and attention she got from Grandma and Grandpa and was quite entertaining. They gave her new shoes and a doll stroller, both huge hits. She won my dad's heart by shouting "Pa!" the whole weekend.

Our thanksgiving meal was delicious, though the kids basically ate dinner rolls. We narrowly avoided disaster when our probe thermometer told us our tukey was done way too soon. But we trusted our guts, repositioned the probe, and the turkey was cooked perfectly, though a bit salty. Since we had brined the turkey, I decided to use a gravy starter for the gravy, but wasn't impressed. The entire dinner (inluding my chocolate pumpkin tiramisu), however, was upstaged by Jeff's strawberry rhubarb pie, which my dad went absolutely crazy for. A new Thanksgiving tradition has been started.

Moe slept well Thursday night but Jelly was up at 3am because clearly the kids think I don't ever need a full night's sleep.

The rest of the weekend had a lot of ups and downs. Moe had a lot of sensory overload this weekend, and I think my parents were a little surprised at both the frequency and intensity of his meltdowns. He's changed a lot since they saw him just a couple of months ago, and is no longer the easy-going mellow kid we had all gotten to know. He had some fun playing outside in the yard, went for a quick shopping trip with my mom and I on Friday, and even managed a few words, but for the most part, he was not at his best.

After my parents left on Saturday, Jeff and I did some thinking and figured out that Moe's worst moments are when he's tired and when he's hungry. Over the past month or so, we've worked a lot on the sleep schedule, and I think the excitement of the weekend was just a lot for him to process. But the real insight was whe we realized that our meal schedule at home was a little different than the one at school. We made sure Moe had meals and snacks on time yesterday and today and things were much better. We also started putting a piece of foam on Moe's door that keeps him from being able to go in and close the door. If he wants to close the door, he has to come ask for help, which he did a few times. We figure if his reinforcer is alone time, at least he should do something social to earn it.

It was great having my parents here and I know they loved seeing Jelly and Moe, even if he wasn't at his best. I'm glad we decided to have a small Thanksgiving at home this year. Friday night we brought in burgers, fries and onion rings. It went great with the leftover pie.

Home for the holiday

For many people, Thanksgiving means autumn turning to winter, colored leaves finally falling to the ground. It means football on TV and maybe a fire in the fireplace. Not for me. For me, Thanksgiving means a clear, sunny southern California day, 70 degrees and beautiful. Every year for as long as I can remember, it has been beautiful on Thanksgiving day in L.A.

We usually have Thanksgiving at my parents' house, joined by some family and friends. My mom does all of the cooking, though most everyone brings something. There is always a last minute scramble as we attempt the gravy. My dad carves the turkey with his electric knife, and one dish will inevitably get left in the kitchen. My uncle brings the pies: apple, pumpkin and chocolate, and sometimes even more. (In my family, we have trouble deciding so we always just get them all.) We always laugh a lot. It is a holiday just about eating being together, without any obligations.

This year, I thought it would be too difficult to travel to LA. Driving with two kids in holiday traffic down I-5 can be a nightmare. Flying seemed like it would be too much of a hassle and expensive now that we have to buy 4 seats. Moe still sleeps in his crib with a crib tent, and since he no longer fits in a pack & play we didn't know how to make it work. So this year my parents are coming up here and I am making Thanksgiving dinner. I'm excited because I've always wanted to make Thanksgiving dinner, but I am a little bummed about the break in tradition.

The silly thing is I keep thinking "if only Moe didn't have autism, we'd be heading to LA right now." But the reasons we're not traveling don't have a lot to do with autism. Sure, we might have the bed situation worked out, but otherwise, it's really just that we have two small kids. I have to stop blaming autism for everything that is challenging. The fact is, traveling is hard for everyone with kids.

So, despite the rainy weather, I think it is going to be a good Thanksgiving day. This year, I get to cook things my way and I don't have to worry that my kids are getting into trouble at someone else's house. And although it does mean I will have to do the dishes, I will also get to sleep in my own bed.

Hope you all have happy, relaxing holidays. I'm off to make the cranberry sauce!

Moe's First Thanksgiving (Special Needs Blog Hop)

Moe was such a happy baby. He was 6 months old here, chubby as can be, and with the most amazing smile. He still has a smile and a giggle that can light up a room!