April 18, 2012

Finding the Right Door

Can I tell you a secret? I really wanted to win that essay contest. Of course, ego has something to do with it. Competitiveness. A desire for validation. To state the obvious: no one likes to lose.

But there's more to it than that. I really thought I might win. And I had this feeling that by doing so, some door might open that would give me a clue as to what is next for me. It wasn't even I door I knew I wanted opened, but when I found it slightly ajar, I really wanted to see what was on the other side. And now that door is closed. C'est la vie.

But now I'm staring at a closed door, wondering what's next. I've been working so hard to figure out what's next for our family, especially for Moe, that I'm not really sure where I fit in anymore. Not as Mom, but as me.

You see, I never really wanted to be a stay at home mom. Oh sure, I wanted to try it for a while. When I was pregnant with Moe, it felt like an inflection point in my career, and I was more than happy to take a short break and spend some time with my newborn. But I always pictured myself with both a family and a career. I imagined myself rushing around in the mornings, getting ready for work, dropping the kids off at day care on the way. Life would be so busy! I guess a lot has changed about that picture in my head.

I know many parents, especially moms, face this dilemma, but my choice is clear: it is better for Moe if I am not working. This is the Right Thing. But I feel like I've lost a little bit of myself.

This is not Moe's fault. This is no one's fault. This is just the circumstance of my life.

I am not especially unhappy being at home. It just isn't who I am and I need to figure out a way to get some of that back. Blogging regularly again is a start, but it isn't the whole answer.

They say that when one door closes, another one opens. I seem to have misplaced my keys.


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